I didn't make resolutions this year. I didn't even really want to. So I didn't. Which, I suppose, is a little bit of doing my resolution of last year - doing what I want to make myself happier. Done. See, New Year's resolutions can work out ;)
I actually got very contemplative on New Year's Eve and wanted to write a 'Year in Review' sort of blog, but anyone who's ever been around my family knows that is completely silly. God bless them, but they're so in your business that 10 minutes into being on the computer someone would ask what I was doing. I would reply blogging, then probably define blogging, then there would likely be some uneasiness about just what exactly it is I have to write about...you know, people outside of the blogosphere always fancy us to be such an 'angsty' bunch, unless you have some sort of theme to your blog, which I obviously don't. This would likely be followed by 20 minutes of attempts at an explanation as to why I'm now publishing on the internet for the world in its entirety what I spent about 70% of my 14-year-old self's effort trying to conceal from my own parents, and yet somehow still I don't want to just sit down and divulge it all over a cup of coffee with you. Sorry Ma, just doesn't work that way.
So as you can see, that endeavor was utterly fruitless. In the whirlwind of flying back home, unpacking, working, resuming school, etc.... it somehow got pushed to here. So here it is, a year in review, to the exact depth that I feel like going into it (Note: emphasis placed here may not parallel significance to actual life. just so you know. you know.)
January: This is what I said last January:
Not a one of these changed. Bonus points for that, right? I may not have the power to evict the bad things in my life, but I manage to keep the good ones around.And here we are in 2010. Resolution? Sure, I made one. I resolve to be less of a hypocrite. Ways in which I will accomplish this:-Do what I tell others they should do. Sleep more, eat better, exercise more. No good just advising others that this is what they need for optimal health. Mostly exercise more - I sleep as much as I can and eat fairly decently already. Ok, I'm still working on this one. Likely to be that way perpetually. Although I think I have been sleeping more... but that's likely to drop off real soon. C'est la vie.- Stop being jealous of others. I can be what I want to be if I just apply myself to it, and there's no sense in feeling inadequate because of others. This mostly applies to looks, as vain and shallow as it sounds. My nails can be kept, my face can be put together, and my hair can be as done as anyone else's. No more feeling badly - just do something about it. Better about this one, at least with respect to putting more effort into myself. I'll probably always be jealous of others - green is my favorite color, after all.- I need to stop feeling insignificant while touting and championing the positives of those around me. While others do deserve their praise, it is feasible that someone could find something about me so irresistably interesting that they wish they could copy it. (Please do not misread: I am not looking for a fan club. I simply am going to stop saying - man, _____ is so great about her. I wish I could be like that. Instead I'm ____. Boo me. I've had moments this past year where I felt rockin-cool, utterly admire-able (different than admirable). Boo me? Try Boo-yah.-Reach out to others more. I want people to come talk to me, but I'm too afraid of rejection to walk up and talk to a good majority of them. << That sounds NOTHING like the me I was 6 months ago, but moving across country away from my safety net has really rocked my confidence. I want to get that back; I want to exude my true self. There's no sense in expecting everyone else to make this easy for me. Much better here. Unfortunately this comes at a time where I don't have much room for an enviable social calendar. This will probably contribute to my impending increasing lack of sleep... push, pull.-Be more sustainable. One objective in this arena - plant a garden. I don't have much space, so I won't be growing all of my own produce or anything, but I think I'll start small with an herb garden. (I would also like to plant begonias. Beyond herbs and begonias, I don't know how far my green thumb will hold out.) No begonias. I did plant basil, but didn't use it much - I think I planted the wrong kind. Also planted snapdragons (which I never did post pictures of) which were overall quite successful. Planted a gardenia bush, may have killed it, we'll see come spring. Planted 4-o'clocks, which always managed to bloom around 10 in the evening, but whatever. Planted a hydrangea bush, and although it held its own, I don't know if it can handle the cold weather we've been having lately (and I'm NOT going to transplant the thing inside - if it's going to be that much work, let it die, and I'll know to move onto something else). Overall, A for effort, if not always for execution.
All that said, if I fail to achieve my resolutions, as many of us do, it will be okay. For as much as I'd like to change the above things, I'd still be pretty damned happy with my life as a whole if not a single one of them gets accomplished. That's a pretty fantastic place to be.
Things I do not want to change in 2010:-My relationship. Brian makes me phenomenally happy every day, and coexisting with him is effortless.-My location. For one thing, I can't forsee why I would move before school is done, so if I did move, it would probably not be good news. Also, as slow and challenging as it has been to adapt to a new life, I like North Carolina.-My weight. Many people resolve to lose weight, but not me. Granted, I wouldn't mind changing the composition of my weight a little, but I've been this weight for 6 or 7 years, and my body seems happy here. Plus, I don't really have the coin to spring for a skinny wardrobe right now, lol.
February: Passed in a relatively uneventful fashion, which is just fine for such a short little month. I was "acupuncted" (if you will), something I've always wanted to try, though not necessarily as an attempt to rid my body of migrating mystery pains. Didn't work for the pains, but MAN did I always feel like a million bucks coming out of there. So relaxed and rejuvenated. However, seeing as my insurance company wouldn't pay for it when it was actually for something medically-billable, I don't think they'll cover a quick recharge, so no mas for me.
March: This was a month of interesting contrasts. On one day, one of my friends got engaged right in front of me, and when I got home from that, flipped open my laptop and proceeded to Facebook, I saw that another of my friends was pregnant. Of course I was happy for the both of them, but the two events back to back made me feel like I had literally been punched - a double whammy to my emotionally insecure gut. I want someone to look at me and say that I'm the person they'd like to wake up to on their very last day on this earth. I want to create a life, work like crazy just to make it happy, and know that I will always have at least one purpose in this life that is completely undeniable and above reproach. And of course the reasonable side of me knows I just have to wait, but that whole 'bird-in-the-hand' thing is really hard to ignore sometimes.
Less than two weeks later, I hosted my cousin and her kids at my house for 2 days. I love them to death, and they didn't deter my above desires one bit. But the reason I loved them most that weekend was that they helped me realize that waiting for above desires wouldn't be such a bad thing, either. They helped me realize that some days, your kids will have diarrhea - and it will be a day where you still have to do things, like go to the grocery store, the post office, etc. They helped me realize that little ladies sometimes just need to cry it out - this is true at any age, really, but as a 24 year old little lady, I don't feel the need to do it at 3 am loud enough for the whole house to hear. Guess that's the difference between me and a 9 month old.
Anyhow... those two experiences were difficult to reconcile. Still are.
Also in March, accomplished all the planting listed above. Badass. You should have seen my giddy Desert Child ass when things actually started sprouting.
---And now, here I am in present day, at 1am. I have a 15 hour day tomorrow and have to be up in 5 hours for it. There is no way this post is being finished tonight, and rather than tuck this beauty away in the 'Drafts' file (where, judging by my recent blogging behavior, it would remain for...weeks, likely) - I'll publish the year in quarters. April was another slow month which will require more creative juices than my status post 8-hour study brain can handle.
Plus, everyone loves a cliffhanger, right? See you all back for more ;)
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