In which I relate my life to a haircut.

Soooo, that whole posting once a day thing???

Kinda gets thrown off when your body rebels against the H1N1 vaccine and makes you a little swiney. I wasn't thinking and got my nose spray vaccine right after my super-stressful hell week - so my immune system was admittedly, likely to be a little depressed - and my body did not like it.  Since it went in through the nose, everything having to do with my airways spazzed out.  Although I didn't have any classic flu symptoms (aches, fever, N&V, etc), I got a sore throat, a wicked cough, and mucus from the base of my lungs to the tops of my sinuses.  Loooovely.  Still working it out of me.

My mini-swine resulted in me spending the weekend on the couch.  If I had  had to be somewhere, like work, I could have - but I was in no shape for what I had been planning to do : party, drink, make friends.  Between nights where I'm in pain, nights where I'm working, nights where I'm exhausted, nights where I have to be up at 6 the next morning,  and nights where I just don't feel like going out, there are very few times left when I actually want to go out.  This weekend I truly wanted to go out - not just a "well, I'd better go because it'll be good for me to get out and get to know some people" kind of a thing; the events were right, the timing was right, the crowd was right.  And I got sick.

I saw Facebook pictures on Sunday that confirmed my fears.  It was just as I had hoped it would be, it looked as fun as I had imagined, and look - there were the girls I wanted to be friends with, arms around eachother and smiling fit for their faces to break.  In places I had never seen because I'm a pathetic loser who's lived in a place for 3 months and not actually gone to a single real bar.  It put me into tears (and my nose was running plenty by itself without emotional stimulation, so it was not pretty).

There will be other weekends.  I will make friends. Real friends, not just acquaintences that I refer to as friends.  People that want to hang out with me as much as I want to hang out with them, people who will *choose* to be with me over other people, people that I can open up to and feel like I genuinely connect with.  I need that so badly so that I can establish a home, because the one I left doesn't really exist anymore (part of the reason I left), and I haven't made one here yet - I'm homeless.  There's a roof over my head, yes (and an Asian couple too, actually - I'm on the first floor), but I'm the other sort of homeless where I have no place to root myself to, no place to just be.  For someone like me, that's tough to deal with.  And something tells me that this weekend was important, that it would have been a big step, that it would have made some sort of difference...but it didn't. I'm gut-wrenchingly disappointed.

Part of the problem of me not wanting to go out as much as others is that I think I'm beyond that.  Sure, I still love to go out and have a good time, but I'm so definitely past the point of Facebook chatting in class on Friday arranging whose house we'll be pregaming at.  Part of it is that I'm older than probably...1/4, maybe 1/3 of my class.  This plays a bigger part than you'd think, example:
(To preface, my partner did her share of the work overall.  I'd really like that to be known.)  The night before a paper was due, my partner and I were arranging a time to chat, format the paper, edit the references, make any final changes, etc.  I informed her that I'd be home around 10 from work.  She informed back that she'd be leaving at 10:30 to go pregame before P's power hour.  Yep, his power hour.  Here's the kicker: she was only going to pregame because she won't be 21 until JUNE, and SHE CAN'T GET INTO THE BARS. 

Part of it, though, is that I think I've progressed farther in my life stages than a lot of people who are my age.  (For those of you who fall into the categories I'm about to discuss, I'm not targeting, attacking, creepily envious of, or expecting sympathy from you.  There, it's been said.)  
A lot of my friends and peers are still in the party-hearty phase, every night a different thing, and that's absolutely fine.  I really think a person should do whatever makes them happy on any given day, but that's just not really what makes me happy.  Another good chunk of my friends and peers, however, are engaged, married, pregnant, or parents.  And that's wonderful too, because I can see in their pictures and hear in their words that this is what is making them happy in their God-given days. I, however, don't really fall into either of those categories.

Now, ladies, it's like a shoulder length hair-do that you're growing out.  It's just there, not the length you want, but the length you're forced to accept for the time being.  The temptation to cut it short, do something fun, shake it up, make it different! always nags at you, but what you really want is that middle of the back, flowing mane that you've been trying months, years to get.  You're not at the long yet, and you envy it every time someone's tresses graze their elbows right in front of your eyes.  You know that if you cut it short, it will be fun and exciting at first, but then it won't really be what you want, and you'll know it.

I'm shoulder length.  That's that.  I don't think I'm quite ready to be married and set just yet, and getting pregnant definitely does not make sense for the next 5 years in my life.  But I want it.  More than I care to disclose or elaborate upon at the moment, actually.  And if I try to go back, go "shorter", I'll like it and it will be fun for a while, but it won't ever feel completely right. 

And so I'm stuck in the middle, and it's a very uncomfortable place to be.  It's annoying having to balance between the desire to be in two life stages at once, and although I'm sure there are plenty of other gals just like me, you don't exactly go about advertising that you're looking for tweenies.  Any transition is usually ... icky, for lack of a more appropriate term, and this is no exception. 

The fix?  I'll try to do what I always try to do.  Visualize the silver lining and be thankful for the things that I do have. So -

God, thank you for the stage that I am in at this very moment.  I know when I'm older, I will miss it, as unlikely as it seems now.  Thank you that I had such amazing times going out and being crazy in the past few years; without them, I would not feel as though I had really "completed" that stage.  I recognize that few get the opportunity to go to college, grow, learn, and still play and be silly with their best friends.  And when I was ready to move out of that stage, thank you for providing me with one of the most understanding, caring, reliable, supportive, and fulfilling people I have ever met to hold my hand through what you knew would be a difficult transition.  I realize that many wait so eagerly and patiently for something I seemingly stumbled upon, and that though I may no longer have the fleeting company of a throng every weekend, I have the constant companionship and love from an unwavering partner who makes me feel purposeful every single day.  Lord, thank you for not testing my limits by delivering me unexpected mixed blessings/challenges that I know are best reserved for the future.  I believe in you and trust that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be.  On that note, however, if you could help me out with that virtue called patience, it would also be greatly appreciated.  (It's no secret between you and I that I've always struggled with that one.)

Amen.